Single In CLE: Ten Things I Wish I Could Write on People's Facebook Walls Instead of "Happy Birthday"

Face it; a lot of our FB friends aren't really friends. We actually probably despise most of them. Some we're jealous of, and we love to live vicariously through their glamorous and eventful life. Others we keep on our newsfeed for wrong and shameful entertainment purposes. Sometimes you actually forget you're 'friends' with someone until FB ~~harasses~~ kindly reminds you to purchase them a Starbucks gift card. (Um. No, btw.) Instead of the generic "Happy Birthday, gurrrl! :)" these are the things I really wish I could say:

1. "Sorry you got fat since high school! Have a great day!"

2. "I only keep in contact with you because I need biweekly screen shots of stupid statuses that one annoying girl from our class posts. Never change xoxo"

3. "Congrats on getting over that spray tan and lip liner phase! ~~See you at pilates!~~ I hope I don't see you for an extended period of time!"

4. "I'm glad you've accepted the fact that you like boys! May this year be filled with Sex & The City reruns and Beyonce choreography."

5. "We only talk when we run into each other at the bar. Usually hammered. And I'm okay with that because you're actually really boring. Hope 25's more interesting!"

6. "Your babies look like gremlins. Godspeed to you."

7. "Another year older, another year of clean-eating hashtags, gym selfies, low self-esteem and nobody caring!"

8. "Love the model shots! Tell your ~~photographer~~ the Burger King shift manager with the DSLR camera I said 'hey'!"

9. "Your dad pays for your student loans and IBS is not a life-threatening disease. Please stop posting inspirational Pinterest quotes. Hope your day is magical!"