Guest Blog: Tinder Tidbits + Bonus Drinking Game!

Hey followers of Samantha Martin’s Single in CLE blog!

Today, I am writing about my experiences in the millennial dating realm, Tinder.

Sam introduced me to Tinder this past summer. I laugh at the concept, because you essentially “like” or “pass” on people based on their looks. The app allows you to rate potential suitors in your area based on their looks, interests, and mutual friends from their Facebook account. You can message someone if you both like each other, and begin that budding romance you always dreamed of. Luckily for everyone, the app doesn’t post anything to Facebook, so you can save yourself the embarrassment.

My Tinder adventure turned into a funny little game. I was recently single and just wanted to have fun, with no intention of actually meeting anyone on the app. Tinder turned into a mild addiction because it was a serious confidence boost. Getting “liked” by an attractive male was honestly a great feeling, and the lack of commitment I had to the man was even better. I didn’t even have to talk to them if I didn’t want! This was the best form of dating, in my opinion.

The longer you spend on Tinder, the more you begin to notice familiar patterns in the men you run into. You can really hone your Tinder skills by using these familiarities and turning them into a drinking game. Here is a list of my house rules, feel free to comment more suggestions below.

• Every guy with a mirror selfie: drink. 
• Every guy with a shirtless mirror selfie: drink a shameful amount.
• Every guy with a selfie in sunglasses: drink.
• Every guy holding a cute little animal in the picture: drink (and I must admit this is my Tinder kryptonite).
• Every guy with their back towards the camera gazing out at a beautiful view: drink.
• Every ginger: drink.
• Every Affliction tee: drink and "next."
• Every guy with hot chicks in his pictures: drink. (Also not a good move guys, c’mon!)
• Every guy with a baby or little children in his pictures: drink.
• Every fedora: drink twice.
• Every soul patch: don’t drink, just skip... you need a break.
• Every guy with 5 or more mutual friends: drink.
• Every guy you know in the real world: drink.
• Every guy with pictures showing off his hunting gear: drink.
• Every guy you have actual intellectual interests in common with: give him your number... if he isn't balding.
• Every match: take a big ol' congratulatory drink.

This may seem like a lot of rules, but trust me once you get in the rhythm of it, it’s easy to play. 

The more you Tinder, the more matches you receive and the more guys you chat with. Aside from the obvious winners listed above, I was often quick to pass judgement, assuming these guys were weird, desperate, and rapey. But wait, I was on the app too... And I’m not [typically] a creepy stalker... So,  I decided I to give this meeting up thing a try with some of the seemingly normal ones.

Another Tinder Tip: use it in different locations. I Tindered my heart out when I was on vaycay and I ended up meeting a really cool kid. To my own surprise, we had a lot of real-life mutual interests (not just Facebook "like" pages), similar goals and values, and we totally just hit it off from the start. We've met up a couple of times to this day, and are still talking. 

We are growing up in a generation where it is more common to meet people through unconventional means, and in a way I think that makes us lucky. We don’t have to settle for the people in our immediate network; we can meet different kinds of people from all over!

My suggestion is to live it up and put yourself out there while being single. Downloading Tinder is nothing but fun, and of course, an acceptable opportunity to judge people. Get to know some hot guys or gals, date multiple people, feel good about yourself, and maybe get a free meal. Be open minded and don’t take yourself too seriously. You never know what may come of your own adventures. At the very least, use it as an opportunity to drink.
 
Best of luck,
Anonymous Contribution Writer & Fan of Single in CLE

Ten Things I Wish I Could Write on People's Facebook Walls Instead of "Happy Birthday"

Face it; a lot of our FB friends aren't really friends. We actually probably despise most of them. Some we're jealous of, and we love to live vicariously through their glamorous and eventful life. Others we keep on our newsfeed for wrong and shameful entertainment purposes. Sometimes you actually forget you're 'friends' with someone until FB harasses kindly reminds you to purchase them a Starbucks gift card. (Um. No, btw.) Instead of the generic "Happy Birthday, gurrrl! :)" these are the things I really wish I could say:


1. "Sorry you got fat since high school! Have a great day!"

2. "I only keep in contact with you because I need biweekly screen shots of stupid statuses that one annoying girl from our class posts. Never change xoxo"

 
3. "Congrats on getting over that spray tan and lip liner phase! See you at pilates! I hope I don't see you for an extended period of time!"

4. "I'm glad you've accepted the fact that you like boys! May this year be filled with Sex & The City reruns and Beyonce choreography."

5. "We only talk when we run into each other at the bar. Usually hammered. And I'm okay with that because you're actually really boring. Hope 25's more interesting!"

6. "Your babies look like gremlins. Godspeed to you."

7. "Another year older, another year of clean-eating hashtags, gym selfies, low self-esteem and nobody caring!"

8. "Love the model shots! Tell your photographer the Burger King shift manager with the DSLR camera I said 'hey'!"

9. "Your dad pays for your student loans and IBS is not a life-threatening disease. Please stop posting inspirational Pinterest quotes. Hope your day is magical!"

10. "I'm chuckling as I write this because we drunkenly hooked up in your roommate's bed in college and you have a small penis. LOL HBD"

In conclusion: I'm an awful person.

Singly yours,
- Samantha Single in Cle

How to Meet Famous People on Tinder, In Two Easy Steps

What?? You're telling me you still don't have Tinder? What are you waiting for? I mean, everyone has it. Even completely legitimate famous people.

Here's how to meet some creeps and weirdos totally real celebrities:

1. Download Tinder. It only costs your dignity. It's free. You just need a smart phone and a dumb face. If you don't have a smart phone, go jump off the Detroit-Superior bridge I'm sure someone has an old 3GS laying around that they would actually pay you to take. Once you have a smart phone, use your opposable thumbs to find the App Store. If you don't have opposable thumbs; navigate your way to the App Store by poking your screen with your index fingers like a technology-illiterate mom. Don't have any digits? I'm sorry. There's probably an app for that.

2. Start scrolling to meet your future famous fling! You did it! Congratulations! After all that hard work, you deserve to meet someone who will treat you right, take you to fancy dinners and help you land a starring role in the hit t.v. show Catfish Pretty Little Liars.

Here's just a few of the possibilities I stumbled across:

Jesus. Who, in an obvious effort to keep up with kids these days with their Jay-Zs and their Lil' Waynes, now goes by 'Gigi'.

And who's surprised that He's Canadian?

Famous actors, like Russell Brand. (Not to be confused with Jesus... I always mix up their quotes.)

  “I couldn't possibly have sex with someone
with such a slender grasp on grammar!” - Jesus

Shitty Famous Athletes.

This guy looks like he has the intelligence level of a Kevin Hart meme.

Severus Snape: Half-Blood Prince. Potions master. Lily Potter admirer. Jazz connoisseur.

"Severus, were you the one listening to the
Miles Davis Pandora station, after all this time?"
"Always."

Political activists, such as Guy Fawkes. You can't see it, but his 'about me' says, "Don't worry, I won't commit treason on your heart. #lessonlearned"

"Remember, remember... That Pretty Little Liars is on Tuesdays."

Famous musicians, like this guy who probably played that killer sax part in Men at Work's 'Who Can It Be Now?'

"I didn't choose the sax life; the sax life chose me."

Pokemon Gym Leaders. I'm not sure what Greg's badge is, but it looks like he might lead the Parma gym location.

 

Greg's Parma Gym is located in a shopping plaza
in between Dots and the local butcher shop.

Now go get yourself a winner!

Singly yours,
Samantha Single in CLE

It's goin' down; I'm yellin' TINDER.

Welcome to the first edition of Tinder Tuesdays! Each Tuesday, I'll share some interesting, ridiculous and quite possibly terrifying experiences with the revolutionary app known to many as Tinder. (Known to me as 'a/s/l?' Version 2.0.)

So, if you've been in a relationship living under a rock for all of 2013 and some of 2014, you may be asking, 'What is this glorious representation of humankind packed into a little flame-embellished square on my iPhone or Android operating system?' Well dear noob friend, Tinder is a 'dating' app. I use the term 'dating' loosely here.

Here's a picture for reference:

Martin is too perfect to actually exist, and is obviously
 the product of a Charlotte York-inspired lucid dream.

You can edit your match settings to reflect your preferred age range, gender and distance/radius up to 100 miles. (Gurl, if you are willing to drive 100 miles for some D, based off of 4 pictures and a mutual interest in Bernie Mac, you seriously need to reevaluate your priorities... Think of all the tacos you could buy with that gas money.) Once you get your profile set up, you're immersed in an abyss of shirtless men, Will Ferrel quotes, gym selfies and guys who still don't understand the difference between 'you're' and 'your'.

Tinder is basically a matter of yes or no. You scroll through their pictures, read their 'about me', and see if you have any mutual friends or interests (all pulled from FB). You swipe right (or tap the heart) for 'yeah, you don't make me fear for my life; the chances of you murdering me and ending up on an A&E special are low.' Swipe left (or tap the x)  for 'I would rather go on date with my creepy high school gym teacher.' If both you and your Tinderomeo 'like' each other after this thorough analysis of personalities and desired characteristics, you are declared a match and you can begin engaging in a rousing conversation of world politics, local brews or 'tits or gtfo.'

Ah, here's one that looks a little more Tinder-Typical.

I'm sure you do, Max. I'm sure you do.

How did I become such a Tinderella? Well, I first downloaded the app sometime in the summer, after a friend told me she was on it and I judged her for the entire length of the Shoreway. And then I obviously went home and immediately downloaded it. I think Tinder is kind of like Cheez Whiz.... you pretend like it's shameful and disgusting, but secretly go home and obsess over it while watching trashy reality tv.

After I started to encounter people that made me question the amount of lead paint still being used today, I knew I could not keep this barrel-of-laughs factory to myself. I've convinced at least ten people to download it; mainly so we can send screen shots of these goons back and forth and feel better about our lives and our choices, but also so we can be together on the front lines in the battle of singleness and feel a collective hopelessness for our options out there. Maybe you'll join me too!

Buckle up and prepare yourselves for the wide world Tinder; I've got some good stories and screen shots lined up. You'll laugh, you'll cry and you'll wonder if there are large communities living and breeding under power lines.

I'd like to thank all my friends for Tindering for the good of (wo)mankind, as well as all the douche bags and weirdos for giving us such great material to work with.

Creep on,

Samantha Single in CLE

Thick Girl Problems: Being A Size 14 in a Size 4 World

First of all, let's start with some mood music to remind you that you're beautiful.

Today I met up with some of my fabulous sorority sisters at Crocker Park, our fav local "let's go pretend we have money but only buy things on clearance" shopping center. After a mandatory stop at The Cheesecake Factory, we headed to Express. One of my friends had to exchange a shirt that was too small. To her dismay and my all-inclusive feminist rage, we found out that Express doesn't carry size extra large. In anything. Like at all. Who do you think you are, Express? Abercrombie & Fitch? This is absurd. (PS - I just checked online and there is one lonely page of XL tops... cool.)

So in addition to all of the nonsense curvy girls face every day, we also have to approach a clerk at every retail outlet and ask, "Excuse me, do you guys sell anything above size 'that wouldn't fit my nine-year-old cousin'?"

Here are some of my biggest #thickgirlproblems. What are yours? Be sure to comment them below.


1. When you try on cute pants that are supposedly your size but you can only pull them up to your knees.

2. When you scope out a super cute jacket but you can't even attempt to move your arms in fear of pulling a Chris Farley.

3. When bus seats, swings or any other individually-sized seating platform are a total crapshoot and leap of faith.

4. When you have just given up completely on buying tall boots.

4. When you find the most adorable shirt that was ever made... but apparently everyone else did too, so all that remains is a sad pile of extra smalls.

5. When people assume that you have an unhealthy lifestyle.

6. When you're trying to accessorize like a diva and you're like 'UH DO YOU MAKE RINGS FOR MY SAUSAGE FINGERS??'

7. When all your favorite pants die a slow, painful death of thigh holes.

 

8. When virtually every pair of slacks give you camel toe because your ass is hogging all the fabric.

10. When you're in an expensive store and you have to walk softly and carry a big stick your booty in a manner that doesn't knock everything over.

Keep it thick,

Samantha Single In CLE

10 Reasons To Be A Little More Miley In 2014

Listen. I know basically everyone bitches are tired of hearing about Miley. I get it. She single-handedly stole the spotlight this year: 2013 can officially be declared The Year of the Twerk.

No one was prepared for the madness that is Miley, but let's just be clear here: she's not Amanda Bynes crazy. Homegurl knows what she's doing. Some say she's lost it, but I think she's just getting started. There is absolutely nothing wrong with figuring out who you are. In fact, we should all probably get around to that sometime.

I know people could just as easily come up with a list of 'Reasons Miley is the Anti-Christ' but I'd rather celebrate someone's triumphs than their wre-eh-ecks. Here are ten ways we can aim be a little more Miley this year:

1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable once in a while. It could be beautiful. You don't have to pour out every emotion à la Wrecking Ball, but let people in once in a while--no home improvement tools necessary.

2. Give yourself a confidence boost. Don't do it to impress anyone but yourself. We all know beauty is far more than skin deep, but sometimes a little touch up can completely change the way you feel about and carry yourself. Whether it's a haircut or some high-waisted underwearpants, wear what makes you feel like the confident bad bitch that you are.

When the big cut happened earlier this year, the world screamed a unanimous "YAAAAAS!"

3. If you're in a toxic relationship - don't be. It could be a friend, a significant other or worst of all, yourself. Release that negativity from your life.

4. Be creative. Paint a picture. Write a song. Make some jewelry. Make out with a freaking doll in a pool. You might find a hidden talent in there somewhere.

Be sure to ask the doll for some feedback.

5. Question society's expectations of you. Feminism is hard to define. A textbook definition is the promotion of social, economical and political equality of women. The day-to-day however, is a little more tricky. Some people argue that Miley is feeding into female body objectification. Some believe that disagreeing with any choices that she freely makes is anti-feminist. But the majority opinion is that she's just being Miley.  (Here's a super interesting article about the debate.)

6. Find your Britney. Britney Spears is worshiped by, oh I don't know, everyone who has ever lived. Miley didn't follow in Britney's footsteps (okay, there was the shaved head thing... but different circumstances, people); she took Britney's game and made it better. And then she got her idol on her album. DAYUM. Find a mentor and get inspired by them.

Or just go HAM in the front row of their Vegas show.

7. Get people talking. No matter what your stance is on Miley, you can't deny the fact that her name's been dropped more than the word "mullet" in 1992 (btw, thanks for your contribution, Billy Ray). If you put yourself out there, network, collaborate, engage people in conversations and make connections, people will talk. Maybe you'll find a supporter like Kanye... who's hopefully less douchey.


8. Learn from your mistakes in 2013 (i.e.: latex is probably not a good choice if you're using it as an outfit).

I'd still choose it over velour, though.

9. Go off the deep end. Be admirably insane. Do something that terrifies you. One quote that I absolutely love is from the book We Bought a Zoo: "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it." 

10. Be 100% you 100% of the time. Don't apologize for who you are (unless you're a really shitty person... then you should probably apologize and stop sucking) and don't allow yourself to be defined. Miley's been scrutinized for straying away from the Disney Grow-Up Plan. Forge your own path that's true to yourself and your goals.

#teammiley #teamfemaleempowerment #teamyou #teameveryonewhodoestheirownthinganddoesntjudgeothersfordoingtheirownthing